Burning Bridges

What do you do when you feel like everyone you thought you could trust isn't there anymore?

I could literally go out and sit on the haystack in my back yard right down and watch as my life fell apart at the seams. I could watch as relationships I have worked at keeping for my entire life are reduced to nothing more than ash and smoke. I could watch as everything I have worked for crumbles to dust, and I wouldn't be able to do a single thing about it.

Recently I have slipped into a depression. It started I think...well I'm not really sure when it started, all I know is my self esteem is at about 2%, I can't stand the thought of myself in general, and I seem to have lost the ability to feel.

When I say I have lost the ability to feel, I mean most of the time. Occasionally, I can get angry, hurt, or sad, and when that happens, it's like that emotion is magnified 100%. I don't just get a little hurt my friends didn't call me to hang out, I get so hurt, I can't even talk. Then I get angry at them for not inviting me. After I get angry, I slip into a phase of self loathing so deep that nothing even matters anymore. This only happens on the occasion, though.

Even rarer, however, is the emotion of happiness. It is so rare that I am truly happy anymore, I can only think of a single time recently. My Junior Prom. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but that was the first time in months I genuinely laughed, and smiled, and was a normal teenager. That was in March, and I haven't felt that same joy since.

Being unable to feel has caused some major problems in the relationships I have. It has especially damaged my relationship with the people I once considered my closest friends.

Ever since High School started, I have felt them slowly slipping away from me, but this past year has been especially bad. It has gotten to the point where they don't invite me to go places with them or hang out after school with them. More and more they ignore me at school and church too. They talk about all the fun times they have had, and all of their exciting plans they are making while I sit right there, unnoticed. When I ask about them hanging out without me, they lie and make up things to justify why I wasn't invited. "We didn't even think about it." or "We thought you were busy." I don't even know what to do anymore.

I know what I need to do is turn to the Lord and He will show me the way. My only problem is, even though I have been raised with Christ in my life, I have begun to doubt what I have been taught my whole life. I no longer feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost anymore. My testimony of the Gospel has crumbled under the stress and numbness of my life.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry this post was so depressing. Hopefully next time it will be happier.


To try and make up for all the sadness... Here are some pictures from my Prom!!

Posing in the hall :}

Me and my Awesome Date Jonny :)

Me with my dad and grandpa 

All About...Me?

I was born on July 21, 1997. As my family's first child I became the center of their world. From the very start I was a daddy's girl and I still am today. I doubt it is something that will ever change. I love doing anything with my dad, even if it is just going to pick up some hay for our horses.

When I was three years old, my first brother was born. I remember being so excited to finally have someone to play with at home. Imagine my disappointment when I found out that all Craig did was sleep, eat, barf, and drool.... Yeah, I wasn't the happiest person around and I sure didn't like not having all the attention to myself. When he got older, however, I began to enjoy having someone to dress up in my old dresses and play dolls and horses with.

I got my very first pair of cowboy boots when I was four, and I wore them constantly. I would pull them on and ride my white stick horse around the house like a wild child. I would pull pillows off the couch and set them up in the barrel racing pattern and run around them for hours. It was by far my favorite pass time. I would put a plastic tiara on my cowboy hat and run around waving like a rodeo queen. When anyone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would smile as bright as I could and say, "I wanna be a Rodeo Queen or a cowgirl." My mom just laughed and told them that would never happen...she should have watched her words a little closer.

When I was six my second, and last, brother was born. I remember crying when I found out my mom was having another boy. All I wanted out of life was a sister...  Before he was born my parents would talk about names. I remember hanging upside off the couch and saying, "Why do you argue about names? Just name him Alex." I was promptly told that the couch was not a jungle gym and to get off and behave. Well, later while in the hospital they still couldn't think of a name so they decided to just call him Alex. So that is how I got to name my youngest sibling.

Around this same time my dad bought us two new horses. I fell in love with them instantly. There was a big white and grey mare named Dee Dee and a sorrel gelding named Clyde. We still have them today.

I also started dancing when I was in 1st grade. My mom took me to a studio called Morgan Academy  of Dance and Tumbling so I could learn ballet. I danced for five years there and I still think that was some of the best times I ever had.

Elementary and Middle School passed fairly uneventfully and if anything really happened I don't really remember it. All I remember was hanging out constantly with my two best friends: Cheyenne and Arielle.

Remember how my mother said I would never be a Rodeo Queen? Well when I was 11 I tried out in my first contest. Honestly, I didn't do very well, but I made it into the court as Miss Congeniality. For the next four years I tried out and moved up a rank every year. The summer I turned 15 I was finally able to wear the Queen banner and crown, and fulfill my childhood dream.

My Freshman year of High School started, and everyone kept telling me to join FFA. Eventually I gave in and did and it has been the best decision of my life. I was able to compete in Creed Speaking on a State level, even though I didn't think I was able to speak in front of people. I also was able to start horse judging. It was the time of my life.

I am still involved in FFA and am enjoying every minute of it. I am competing in Prepared Public Speaking on an National level in the Fall. I am nervously awaiting the contest. I still love riding horses and miss dancing just about everyday.