I could literally go out and sit on the haystack in my back yard right down and watch as my life fell apart at the seams. I could watch as relationships I have worked at keeping for my entire life are reduced to nothing more than ash and smoke. I could watch as everything I have worked for crumbles to dust, and I wouldn't be able to do a single thing about it.
Recently I have slipped into a depression. It started I think...well I'm not really sure when it started, all I know is my self esteem is at about 2%, I can't stand the thought of myself in general, and I seem to have lost the ability to feel.
When I say I have lost the ability to feel, I mean most of the time. Occasionally, I can get angry, hurt, or sad, and when that happens, it's like that emotion is magnified 100%. I don't just get a little hurt my friends didn't call me to hang out, I get so hurt, I can't even talk. Then I get angry at them for not inviting me. After I get angry, I slip into a phase of self loathing so deep that nothing even matters anymore. This only happens on the occasion, though.
Even rarer, however, is the emotion of happiness. It is so rare that I am truly happy anymore, I can only think of a single time recently. My Junior Prom. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but that was the first time in months I genuinely laughed, and smiled, and was a normal teenager. That was in March, and I haven't felt that same joy since.
Being unable to feel has caused some major problems in the relationships I have. It has especially damaged my relationship with the people I once considered my closest friends.
Ever since High School started, I have felt them slowly slipping away from me, but this past year has been especially bad. It has gotten to the point where they don't invite me to go places with them or hang out after school with them. More and more they ignore me at school and church too. They talk about all the fun times they have had, and all of their exciting plans they are making while I sit right there, unnoticed. When I ask about them hanging out without me, they lie and make up things to justify why I wasn't invited. "We didn't even think about it." or "We thought you were busy." I don't even know what to do anymore.
I know what I need to do is turn to the Lord and He will show me the way. My only problem is, even though I have been raised with Christ in my life, I have begun to doubt what I have been taught my whole life. I no longer feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost anymore. My testimony of the Gospel has crumbled under the stress and numbness of my life.
I don't know what to do.
Sorry this post was so depressing. Hopefully next time it will be happier.
To try and make up for all the sadness... Here are some pictures from my Prom!!
Posing in the hall :}
Me and my Awesome Date Jonny :)
Me with my dad and grandpa
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